"I, Jon: Doomed I be?"


You know, I seem to have a bad track record with relationship's of a deeper nature, aka, romantic.... Or, no, wait, better yet, I don't even HAVE a track record for romantic relationships.... I'm doomed to be single for quite a loooooong time. I actually get to watch as my friends around me get married and move on to start their own families.

You know what's funny though, this seems to be a pattern with roomates I have had since going off to college nearly five years back. First there was Jonny, my roomate of two years in college. Now he's married his college sweetheart, Kimmy, and they're happily expecting their first child sometime in the next two weeks..... Then there's Matt and Sara; some of you know of Matt and Sara already [lol]..... And now, there's Noah, my current roomate, and his new fiance -- my sister Rachel. ...

Hey, and that's just my list of roomates thus far.... Add in my good friend from college, Bethany, who is now married nearly a year...... and then add in my friend Kim, my only 'ex', who is now happily married to my sister's only ex.... And this list doesn't even take into account my other graduating classmates from college who have happily married!

AHHH.... My friends are becoming parents!!! .... AHHHHHH! ... [runs around waving his arms and screaming wildly in true Homer Simpson fashion].....

But, life goes on. It just starts to take different roads for some of us. Me, well, I still sit here on the road of life, Bachelor Avenue. Granted there are some things I like and perhaps even appreciate about being single, but then again, it feels like the time has come in my life to actually need the companionship of that certain someone. The question is, who is she, and how far have we yet to travel before we meet?

I ponder this often, but then the same answer comes to me from a higher and wiser voice, "The time is not yet right my child." .... It sure is a challenge accepting God's answer sometimes.

I look back on my life, my experiences with 'romantic friendships', and I see it leading to better things than it was then, but I still can't help wondering, why is patience in this matter so hard. .... Why does my heart long for it's other half, when I don't even know who that half belongs to yet? ...But, yet, everything in my past, has taught me to look toward the future. I know my other half is out there, and compared to everything I have learned before, it will all come together in the perfect combination that only this one woman will complete. Waiting is the hard part I guess.

Back in high school, there was this one quiet girl I had a crush on. She wasn't the most popular girl. She wasn't even outspoken. In fact, she wasn't really popular, and she wasn't outspoken. She was the quiet, simple one everyone else overlooked as they set their eyes on the popular and outspoken. It was, however, this girl that I noticed. Why, I don't really know, but, I did, and I developed a bit of a healthy crush on her..... It was this girl, Jessica, that accepted my nerve-wracking invitation to the "Prom" our senior year. It was Jessica who nearly died from annorexia, and, it was Jessica who I somehow felt compelled to want to send a get-well letter to when she was in the hospital near death. She recovered, but we never really really had the time to become close friends like I had hoped. When graduation rolled around, our two roads diverged. Despite my efforts, I have not heard from her since. I sincerely do hope she is well, and happy. Her life has been a hard one, but I hope a blessed one too.

In 1998 I went off to college. A year later, I found myself in a relationship.... a dating relationship, with a girl, Kim, who was a class behind me. Sadly, she seemed to want to follow a more worldly approach to the relationship, putting much more stock into the feelings (aka, the 'feeling' of being in love) than truely following a Christ-centered relationship. I wanted something deeper, and so couldn't reciprocate the feelings she was expressing towards me. We officially dated for a couple of months, but then the day came that she basically asked when we'd marry. I could not marry her, and so the decision, much to her dismay I'm sure, was agreed that we would have to cease 'dating'. We've been good friends since, and now she's happily married to the man who is perhaps her other half. I am truely happy for her. Everything worked out in the end.

Kim, though, was my only worldly experience with a dating relationship. I kick myself now for having allowed myself to be so nieve, but, on the other hand I am glad that I remained strong in the Lord, and learned what I truely wanted, and needed out of a deeper relationship.

I have not 'dated' since. I doubt I ever will again, in that way anyway. But I learned which road to take, and that has led me closer to where I am today.

But, Kim is not the last chapter in this story of a single guy waiting for his other half. No, there is a girl, whom I have referred to as Hannah previously. She transferred to my college from another in my Junior year. We became friends, but it would be a while before that friendship would grow to where it seems to be now. But, time has passed -- almost three years -- and I look back and wonder.... is this young woman whose Christ-centered goal in life I share; whose heart seeks Christ like mine; whose intelligent and often deep religious-themed conversations I long for; whose company is but a simple joy that makes my heart leap when the opportunity presents itself; whose simple beauty and dedicated friendship to many intruiges me; whose heart and soul is like none other I have met.... Is she but a close friend who, like my other friends, will take a different road in life?... Or, is she -- will she be -- something more?

Lately, as I muse upon my younger sister being the first of the six siblings in my family to wed, I wonder when my time will come. Is Hannah's busy schedule right now an obstacle, or a deterant? Is Hannah to remain that close friend now, but take a different road later? Or am I just wishing on a star -- a star whose distance will remain great.

...Then of course, my musing always comes back to one simple voice saying, "the time is not yet right my child.... The time is not yet right." ... Patience. It takes a lot of patience, to learn patience, but in the end, it will have been worth it. I suppose there is no harm musing for the time being though... The time will come, and when it does, I will know that the time for musing has ended.

Life... It can be so intruiging at times. I'm glad we have hindsight to help us look toward the future though. It makes the journey all the more worthwhile. ... [smile]... and it helps guide us as we travel down that road laid out before us. Maybe the journey is just begining... rather than ending. Maybe, I still have a lot to learn.... But hey, that's what life is for, right? [smile]

Well, the time has come to rest my fingers. I shall, once again, head off to bed, rest up, and then awake to a new day -- a new day full of more musing. Won't you join me?... Until then, however....

I wish you a wonderful weekend. God Bless.

Your happily musing friend,
-Jon
posted by Jon at 3:11 AM  I   I  0 comments