"Sunday: Feeling a little empty...."


Despite getting plenty of sleep the night before, and building up the energy before going into work on Sunday, I still felt as if I wasn't as full of energy as I usually am. Work went well, but I just felt a little drained from the start. My usual friendly smile, optimistic attitude, and helpful demeanor weren't hard to find.... Those are almost second nature to me now I guess. It's just the energy, though, that felt a little lower than it could be.

I've been starting to wonder why this is. Some days I'm flying high and full of energy, such as if I'm going on stage in a few minutes.... but then other times, I just feel strangely sub-par. I love work, and do, for the most part, look forward to going in every day, but maybe it's the fact that when I go in, I know exactly what I am going to be doing for the next eight hours and there is little chance that that will change much from what I can anticipate. I work at a cash register in a bookstore, as well as provide information to customers seeking a book or item. It's pretty much the same every time I go in. I am happy to live with that right now, I just feel somewhat empty doing so sometimes.

I love interacting with the people, working with the employees, and hanging out in the bookstore environment all day, but I'm really starting to crave the creative things that I can't really do there -- like sitting down and creating a drawing or some sort of detailed artwork all day, immersing myself into a character either on stage or in front of the camera, or even just preparing for an audition or rehearsing a script.... In short, I guess my creative self is getting restless.

Sure, I have some time to do these things when I am not at work, but not as much as I would like. By the time I am home from work, I'm tired, and not really all that motivated to sit down and start something at midnight, ....especially with the same kind of work to look forward to the next day.

Maybe part of it isn't really just the sales associate kind of employment I currently have, but other factors not directly linked to that. I mean, I'd love to have a job that provides a little more of a paycheck. I'm basically in a 'time for money' sort of job. I give them a huge chunk of my time (7-8 hours each day), but it always feels as though they are getting the better end of the deal. Don't get me wrong, I do love the job I have right now, and even if I find something by way of a second job, I do intend to stick with Barnes and Noble. It's just that I sometimes feel my time is worth more (especially to me) than what I get payed for it. That, and I'm just not really able to put my true talents to work for the company. What use does a major book store have for the talents of someone who literally craves artistic and theatrical creativity? My creative self is getting very restless....

Oh, well, I guess I'm just a little depressed at the lack of opportunities for me to employ what I am so passionate about. Everyone's gotta pay their dues right? ....

I guess to be honest though, I can't really feel depressed indefinately. I always seem to end up having strange ideas cross my mind as to how I can MAKE those opportunities a reality. ... Unfortunately, the sad thing is, I think my ideas may be a little far-fetched and get me into 'trouble' if I try to employ them.

See, I've thought about creating a character to drop myself into as I stand at the register(s) at work and ring up people's purchases. Maybe not an outlandish role/character... but something that requires me to act somehow, to be even slightly different than who Jon Baas really is. I've thought of taking on some kind of accent.... or something simple for starters, but then I come back to the question(s), "Is this something counter-productive for the company? Would I be doing something that even if I thought harmless and simple, would 'give the company a bad reputation of some kind? Would I be over-stepping my bounds as an employee of Barnes and Noble?" Maybe I just have to take the risk and find out huh.

.... Hey, maybe in my downtime I can do a little drawing as I stand at the register waiting for customers?... Maybe I can read something, a magazine perhaps?... I already use the time as time to cook up ideas in my head for other projects I undertake in the time I do not give to my employer....

Oh, well. I knew this would happen. I've been at Barnes and Noble for almost a month and a half. I guess this was to be expected.

Sunday, wasn't by any means a bad day.... just a somewhat uninspired one. I think I just need more inspiration, more opportunity to create.... more time to follow my passions. I don't know how this week will play out yet. Sadly, work is about the only thing of note on my schedule so far. ... No Hannah.... no socializing.... just work. I'll continue to dedicate myself to enjoying it, but I think I'm probably still going to be feeling a little empty this week.

Ah, well, enough 'musing' for now. I have to catch a bus to work shortly.... then I work till late... come home, have something to eat, sleep six hours, and go back to work.... Fun.

I'll catch you all with something hopefully more upbeat later, probably tomarrow afternoon/evening after work.

Until then, your blogging friend,
-Jon
posted by Jon at 2:38 PM  I   I  0 comments