"Finding my place in this world."


I'm sitting here at my computer, typing and listening to my Riverdance CD.... It's a little after 4pm on Tuesday, and I'm feeling drained. I'm not sure if it's physical tiredness or mental weariness or what. I got plenty of sleep last night -- almost ten hours actually, so I don't know how it could be physical fatigue. Mentally, I feel fine. Nothing really challenging to the mind has stolen my ability to think and react. I just feel as though I am somehow not up to par, as I could be.

Maybe it's that creativity thing again. I just don't feel as though I've been able to imagine, to create, to dream as I would like to. Things seem kind of as though they are at a dead stop. It's a strange feeling.... hard to explain.

Maybe it's the fact that work is so typical. I go in, process transactions, help people find books, and so on. That's what I get paid the small bucks to do. It's not the people that I interact with... They're probably what keeps me going back to that job day after day. Maybe it's that I feel empty becasue I know I can do and be so much more. The way things are at the moment, that's just not as much of a possibility as I'd like. It's NOT a creative job, and I usually can get so energized by the creative, the total immersion in a creative project, the focus that being creative can demand, and the satisfaction that comes from a completed project after those long hours and steady dedication. I think I certainly have a better grasp on my calling in life, but its the fact that I'm not there yet and currently 'empty' that has me feeling a little down lately.

I did try to infuse a little creativity into my work yesterday (Monday). I prepared myself to go in for my eight hour shift behind the B&N register, and talk in only a notable Southern American accent. I thought that would provide some variety, focus, creativity, and unique enjoyment to a typical day on the job. I didn't have enough time to develop a persona to emmerse myself into, but I figured that could come over the course of my shift. I planned to interact with customers (and co-workers) like this for the whole eights.

I was having a blast for the first hour and a half or so, but by three hours I gave up. I was performing to a dead audience, and half of a performance of any kind is audience involvement, or even knowing that the audience is enjoying the fruits of your efforts. No one commented, not even my fellow co-workers who would obviously realize that I was not from the South. No jokes... no good-natured ribbing.... no nothing. So much for that. ... [sigh]

Sunday was another one of those days like yesterday too, though I didn't try anything out of the ordinary. I was at the register up in the children's book department. It was probably best not to try anything too unusual up there. Monday I was at the store's main register, so the audience was perfect. Alas, it did not work that way though. Maybe in the near future I'll try something like an Irish accent (which I'll have to work on beforehand a bit... lol), or an English accent, or for fun, a somewhat cheesy pseudo-English accent. I'm getting sick of being in a position where creativity is not part of the job. At this point, I'm getting desperate to find ways to MAKE it include creativity. So far, not a lot of luck.

I came across a book in B&N about a week back called, "The Don't Sweat Guide For Graduates." It's been a rather encouraging read. One point the author makes is to think that now that graduation has passed, that I have to feel pressured to get into my career asap. Not so. I should consider taking my time. Well, you know how hard that is when I work as a bookseller/ cashier at a local bookstore, and waste so much of my time there doing rather menial tasks and not get paid much in return, especially when there is this creative nature inside me that is trying to burst free? Yet, what happens if I let it free into the world that I currently reside in around me. Nothing. There's no outlet for me right now. I need to find those opportunities, but I'm so busy trying to stay financially afloat working at a job that intruiges me, but does not have a grasp on my heart, soul, and creative passion. I feel like a race horse chomping at the bit trying to get out of the starting gate, but the starting gun hasn't gone off yet....

I have today (Tuesday) and Wednesday off from work. I aim to get my name and resume out there some more and find something that can grab even a little bit of my heart and soul, but I really don't know where to start. I'll probably contact some local employment agencies, but odds are all I'll find from them are telemarketing jobs and data entry positions. Other than that, Wednesday I guess I hit the papers and area job listings trying to find an outlet for my passions in a truely creative work environment. I do enjoy working at B&N, but inside I just feel kind of empty every time I go in to work there.

Such is the life of a recent college grad with a heart for the creative and a passion for 'playing pretend." [sigh]

Well, I've mused enough for now. I must move on to other simple projects.... and the task of coming up with new ideas.

I'll probably post again this evening. I'll be up for a while I think. Until then, take care, and have a blessed Tuesday and Wednesday. Oh, and hey, if you're reading this and have a job opening for a person like me, I'm all ears. [smile]

Your blogging friend,
-Jon
posted by Jon at 5:07 PM  I   I  0 comments