"An Evening of Perplexing Thought"

I don't know why, but I'm feeling a little down this evening. I usually try to look on the bright side of things, and thus am actually rather happy. But tonight, that oddly doesn't really seem to be the case.

Maybe it has something to do with some of the things on my mind lately -- love and the unspoken recipient of those feelings; the remaining sadness over my latest theatre show coming to a close and my overwhelming desire to return to the stage; or maybe just some of the various other life-related uncertainties that have popped up here and there. I don't know. Combine them all, though, and I am once again reminded of the affliction my college theatre professor diagnosed me with... "Jon, you think too much." I'd have to agree with her on that one.

But my theatre professor's comments are merely a side note.

What I do find interesting lately, with all my confidence and faith in knowing what I believe, is that I still can't seem to fully accept the simple nature of the greatest of all emotions -- love. It bewilders me to no end sometimes, and I do think about it more than I really need to. But then again, thought or not, maybe it's supposed to be that way. They say struggle builds character. Perhaps in some ways, so can perplexion and bewilderment.

When I consider this perplexity, however, I am constantly reminded of a situation from my past that doesn't really help me much. When I was a Junior in college I had a female friend who took a strong romantic interest in me. She was a close friend, and suggested dating at one point, but I just couldn't return her same level of feeling for me. And I felt bad about that. To this day, I still can't quite explain why that was. But I don't dwell on that so much anymore. What does concern me now -- years later -- is the fear that I may be in that same situation once again, although this time, I'm the one in her shoes.

The woman friend I have an interest in (and perhaps have for some time) is troubled by her romantic past, and being a bit of a cutie, finds it frustrating to have the male populace hitting on her all the time. Hitting on her is the farthest from my mind, certainly, but her friendship and companionship is not. She's a strong Christian woman, with a good heart, and a creative personality. We have a lot in common, yet there is a lot that perhaps we could learn from each other. Looks and troubled romantic past aside, many might say she's "a good catch".

I find myself drawn to her creative witty charm, yet also hesitant to not overstep the line and become one of those guys hitting on her just for her good looks. Sadly, I fear I may have inadvertantly already done so. Now I'm the one interested in a friend who cannot reciprocate the same feelings.

Just my luck. I realize -- for the first time in my life -- that there is someone I could truely care deeply for if a relationship was in the cards, and that's the time when my past finally turns the tables on me.

I tell you, matters of the heart can be very confusing indeed. I know patience, hope, and trust go hand in hand with love, and I strongly support all of them. I just hate being afflicted with "You Think Too Much Syndrome". It bugs the heck out of me.

But I guess I just keep learning how to hope, trust, love unconditionally (a challenge mind you!), and remain patient in life. My prayer is that God uses this to strengthen something in my life, or the life of someone else, and perhaps, God-willing, someday I can look back on this and say... "You know dear, I sure hated being perplexed back then, but I'm glad I was. It certainly taught me a few things about what love really is, and for that I'm eternally thankful."

Yep. The truth of it is, there is an important lesson here. Life is not merely a brief earthly journey towards our eternal home, no, it is also a textbook on faith, hope, and love... with the greatest lesson being love.

Until next time,
Thoughtfully yours,
-Jon
posted by Jon at 9:49 PM  I   I  0 comments