In honor of the fact that I recently did some flying, here's a little airline humor:
Occasionally, airline flight attendants try to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On one flight passengers were slow to get their stuff stowed and take their seats. To get the point across that they needed to take their seats and buckle in, a flight attendant made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, the captain informs me that he can't back this big bird out until you take your seats; you're blocking his rear view mirror. Please take your seats so the pilot can see and we don't back over a concession truck or small plane or something. Thank you".
After taking off, the pilot got on the cabin speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."
Pilot: "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy, and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
From an airline employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Flight attentant: "We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
On a Southwest Airlines plane just after a hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?". The little old lady replied, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Flight attendant: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
Flight attentant: "My name is Mandy of SouthWest airlines; we hope that you enjoyed your flight, and if you didn't, my name is Julie of Delta airlines."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Have a wonderful Monday all, keep smiling, and until next time,
